Im just saying

October 25, 2005.  A date that history will remember as a crucial turning point in the evolution of animal kingdom hierarchy that rules this planet.  The Guardian broke a story stating that "Armed dolphins, trained by the US military to shoot terrorists and pinpoint spies underwater, may be missing in the Gulf of Mexico."  According to the article, "Divers and surfers risk attack, they claim, from a species considered to be among the planet's smartest."  One scientist's concern was that "they have learnt to shoot at divers in wetsuits who have simulated terrorists in exercises."

 

As many of you may know, I'm not so fond of dolphins.  There are only two animals that really repulse me, and those are pigeons, because they are just rats with wings, and dolphins.  Of the two, dolphins are by far the most worrisome.  Dolphins have complex communication abilities that we are only beginning to understand, the ability to spend significant amounts of time above and below the sea (compared to our sucky land-only breathing ability), and an intellect that, compared to ours, is not only competitive but, I suspect, superior.  Luckily our opposable thumbs have allowed us an advantage over our mammalian nemeses, but as will be shown in the rest of this blog entry, the advantage is not necessarily a permanent one.

 

Until recently dolphins have been able to convince most of the human race that they were at the least harmless dumb fish, and at the most FRIENDLY, entertaining ocean mammals.  Until now, largely due to my non-believer, dolphin-duped friends, I thought I was alone in my belief.  Even with the news constantly barraging us with hints about the change in until-recently pacifist dolphin policy towards humans to a more aggressive, openly challenging policy, my friends continued to scoff at my ideas.

 

What news events you ask?  Well, first let's look at one of the most important missions for the US military currently, Iraq.  In this war against terror, a US dolphin named Takoma has gone AWOL after only being there for 48 hours.  "Takoma's role was to sweep the way clear for the arrival of the Royal Fleet Auxiliary, Sir Galahad. US officials had said that dolphins, first used in Vietnam, were a far better bet than all the technology on board the flotilla of ships."  This clear refusal to follow military instructions and disregard for the safety of the Royal Fleet shows the basic subversive nature of the dolphins.  Dolphins have been noted in Mississippi as tricking and training HUMANS.  The BBC article that reported this claims that this is a discovery by humans in to the intelligence of dolphins, but I can't help wonder if this is actually the dolphins experimenting with the limitations of our intelligence.  Not only that, dolphins are also starting to show up in highly unusual locations.  Does this point to underwater positioning for some sort of future (attack) plan by dolphin society?  Probably.

 

Recently I have found out that I am not alone in my distrust of our mammalian evolutionary competitors.  "Controversial neurophysiologist John C. Lilly has argued that dolphins represent a non-human form of intelligence on this planet" and while I am not sure that dolphins are aliens, it is an interesting theory that probably deserves more research. 

 

So please people, educate yourselves.  Follow the links in this article.   Check out The Truth About Dolphins, a great site for beginners who want to learn more about the treacherous nature of dolphins.  Excerpts include: -The dolphins are the only known proof that Communism can succeed. 
-They even have no need for clothing. Dolphins used to wear clothes, but they are above them now. They no longer look upon each other with lust. They mate when necessary, and do not give into carnal desires.
-As a collective, the dolphins decided to move away from the rest of God's creatures. 
-This is why they swim up next to divers. Not to have fun, but to mock us.

 

 Get prepared for the battle, for it is eminent.  Until then, keep eating the non dolphin-free tuna.  And I leave you this an excerpt from "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy” by Douglas Adams, one of the first humans "to know":

 

It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much - the wheel, New York, wars and so on - while all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man - for precisely the same reason.

 

Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending destruction of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were misinterpreted as assuming attempts to punch footballs or whistle for tidbits, so they eventually gave up and left the Earth by their own means shortly before the Vogons arrived.

 

The last ever dolphin message was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double-backward somersault through a hoop while whistling the "Star-Spanngled Banner", but in fact the message was this: So long and thanks for all the fish.

 

In fact there was only one species on the planet more intelligent than dolphins, and they spent a lot of their time in behavioral research laboratories running round inside wheels and conducting frighteningly elegant and subtle experiments on man. The fact that once again man completely misinterpreted this relationship was entirely according to these creatures' plans.