Im just saying

So I was forwarded an article about a study done by the University of Michigan which concludes that a good fight may be good for your health.  Why?  Apparently when people suppress their anger, earlier death was twice as likely.  I think I may have read this article earlier.  I’m sure if I did, my response was pretty much the same as it is now, basically along the lines of “Oh shit.”

While I’m usually pretty good at expressing things I’m thinking, both sincere and passing thoughts, especially the latter if it will amuse and/or annoy the people around me, expressing anger is not one of my strengths.  So I told myself the study isn’t really about me because actually the study does not focus of the effects of suppressing anger as an individual, in life, in general, but instead on the effects of suppressing anger within couples.  Therefore since anger suppression is pretty constant in all parts of my life, this study’s narrow scope doesn’t include the full breadth of my behavior.  So it’s actually probably a lot worse for me.  Ha ha!  Got you there stupid study!

First of all it concerns me that someone read this article and thought of me.  Sure, I’m no stranger to the term Ice Queen, but I mean, come on!  So I took the forward, which in actuality was sent to a large list of people, very personally.  I’ve actually being talking about this to, well, almost everyone I know.  So looking at the survey, the main point is that “[w]hen couples get together, one of their main jobs is reconciliation about conflict . . . When you don't, if you bury your anger, and you brood on it and you resent the other person or the attacker, and you don't try to resolve the problem, then you're in trouble."  Taking that premise, either in terms of within a relationship or just in general, it seems like it goes: Anger --> Suppression --> Brooding --> Resentment --> Early Death OR Anger --> Expression --> Fight --> Reconciliation --> Long life full of a vibrant happiness that is similar to the kind shown in Claritin commercials. 

So the obvious conclusion is that I need to quit suppressing my anger.  Step 1.  Deal with the things that are pissing me off right now.  Unfortunately there is not much I can do that will affect the decisions of the Democratic party RE: the MI and Fla primaries.  And I really don’t have any control over speed traps around Charlottesville.  Or the extremely slow service in Harris Teeter.  Haha.  Oh wait, humour is a way of not dealing with a situation at hand.  I read that somewhere.  Sigh.  Ok so I’ll skip ahead.

Step 2: Finding the root of the problem.   So what exactly is anger?  Apparently, anger is not a problem, and is neither good nor bad.  In fact, “[a]nger only becomes a problem for people when it is repressed. Unresolved anger can lead to serious physical and mental health problems such as heart disease, stroke, depression and anxiety.”  Umm, so we are back at square 1.  There is no good reason to suppress emotions in general, but this apparently goes twice for anger.  “This type of anger is destructive. It is left over anger from experiences that we were either unable or refused to deal with at the time.” (Same source).  So why do I, and apparently many, many people on the list of this email forward, behave in this way?  “As we grow up, we learn about anger and how to respond to it. Some people learn that anger is bad.”  So blame your parents?  Blame your parents!  Yayy!  I now have a reason, though totally not in line with reality, seems to be the excuse for everything today.  Unfortunately in my case, this reason makes no sense. 

After ruminating about what could possibly be at the root of this behavior with a friend, I was sent some information about people who fall under the Horoscope sign Cancer.  Those of you who know me well know how much value I place on a system that says you share the same characteristics as about 1/12 of the population, ever to live, based on something as arbitrary as when your parents decided to conceive.  But um, the more I looked into this, the eerier it got.  Site after site was filled with little gems like “Typically, your sensitive Cancer can hold your feelings quietly behind your own walls”.  A lot of the things seemed to fit me quite well actually.  Especially the poitive stuff like, Loving and Emotional, Sensitive and nurturing, Intuitive as well as imaginative, and Sympathetic and Protective.  I'm not so sure about the negative traits, which in list form seem to be “Over-emotional and sensitive; Clinging and possessive” and “cruel, possessive, domineering, timid, tend toward brooding and cynicism.”  Perhaps the most complete list of negative traits was www.astrology-online.com from which stated, “The Cancerian has many potential faults. They can be untidy, sulky, devious, moody, brood on insults (very often imagined), yet are easily flattered. They can be difficult, lack stability, easily corrupted, because they are convincing romanticizers, can make successful confidence tricksters. Their romanticism in another sense make them ardent supporters of causes, for example a football team with whose heroes they can identify in a world of fantasy.”  There it is, all the negative aspects the cult of astrology can throw at me.

See the common thread?  No?  Well you nimrod, it’s being overly sensitive.  Doesn't that seem to fit?  Now while I don’t believe in astrology, those star-gazers might have something there.  If you get angry over something and it’s something that is changeable, say your co-worker is taking credit for a project you did, then yes, I can see where anger can work as fuel to correct the situation.  But situations like that are no brainers.  When it is someone close to you, behind that anger is probably some emotion that makes you feel vulnerable like, feeling hurt, disappointed, kindness, loneliness, love . . . oh wait, no, those are just the list of emotions from wikipedia.  Either way, the only two reasons someone close to you would do something that made you feel . . . any sort of negative emotion is that they either 1) meant it, and who wants to know that someone you trust so much would purposefully hurt you?  And If that is the case, you only have two option, a) move on or b) if it doesn’t bother you enough to do so, you aren’t going to change such a person so you’re just going to have to get over it OR 2) didn’t realize what they were doing, in which case a) they didn’t mean it, so you being upset isn’t exactly justified and b) they don’t get it so while you can fix this one situation there will probably be other times that you are faced with a similar situation, starting a possibly never-ending cycle of explaining your feelings, making progress, moving in a healthy direction . . . you see where I am going with this?  Because somewhere along the way, I lost my point.

Because it’s not that I don’t see the importance of communication, of expressing anger, making emotional progress, etc etc etc.  In fact, I have empirical evidence that I understand the importance of this.  Seriously.  I can prove my understanding with the concept of emotional maturity with actual facts.  Well, not a lot of facts, so maybe more just anecdotal evidence.  Out of four serious, long, not flippant relationships I’ve had (oh and just so we are all on the same page, by relationships I am including all relationships I’ve had with anyone except for my immediate family members), the two in which I felt seriously involved, saw a future, and in general felt the most comfortable were the only two relationships, in which I have ever felt comfortable fighting or just expressing myself completely in general.  So, I get it.  It’s just, I’m not sure how people get there, or how I got there previously, or why anyone would want to be there.  I mean, are the extra few years you get worth the emotional intensity, and worse yet, the potential let-down, required in confronting someone who is one of the closer people in your life?  I guess I still haven’t made up my mind.  But then again, is that surprising given my "devious, moody, unstable, trickster, overly sensitive personality"?  Hmm, is me being over sensitive to the entire field of astrology only prove their point that Cancerians tend to be overly sensitive?  Oh no, the Escher mind twist begins!  I suppose if I don't drop dead any moment now and there are additional blog entries, you can assume that I learned how to live more in lines with what is suggested in the U. Mich study.  Or, to make up for the negative effects of surpressing anger, I instead give up another bad habit such as Bar Review, or alcohol in general.  :)  See you guys later, maybe.